crazy. life. crazy. two years since i have written in here. 2 or 3 years since the he dropped the big bomb that changed mine and my son's lives forever? I can't even remember. That's how insignificant it all is now. and yet, it is one of the most significant events in my life thus far. Because without him there would be no me now. There would be no Kenny, there would be no Morgan. I know, anyone out there who is reading this is wondering who and what I am talking about. I'll explain more later. this is just awesome and insane all at the same time....
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Monday, April 26, 2004
I miss him....
I dont know why...
We're so different but I find him in my actions and in my choices
just something so captivating about him
something that always drove me CRAZY
crazy in a good...and bad way
i dont know why i'm so capture by his personality
by his multipurpose hair
by his random sayings
by his charisma
I just see snapshots...
of him spinning while flashing that oh-so-great smile at me
of him too full to drive the car and looking at me with exhaspiration
of him looking into my eyes with his hazels
i get butterflies thinking about it
i shiver as he brushes past
i melt with his touch
i smile with that CRAZINESS i cant escape
how can he let me go? how do i let go from this grasp that he doesnt think he has on me?
how can i let go?
Hmmm. . . God is talking to me.
But will I listen? No!
Open your ears, your heart, your soul to the signs God is giving you. Your prayers are being answered, all you have to do is listen.
I know, I know. I said I was giving this up, yet something keeps drawing me back here. I don't know what it is. So here we go again! Let's see how long this spurt lasts shall we?
Thursday, October 16, 2003
I was deleting all my old blogs. Some that never got off the ground, some that hovered a little, some that totally took off like this one, and one that was extremely private, and no one had ever seen other than myself and DJ. And DJ only saw because he violated my trust one night and read it after I had asked him not to. Huh, gee ya think that would have been a big flashing warning sign that I couldn't trust him huh?? LOL. Anyways, I opened my private one and it was nothing but pain. How much I hated DJ, and how much I hated my life, and blah, blah, blah, blah, fucking blah. Very dark, icky emotion. And while I do still feel pain over the whole betrayal and divorce, something inside me (when you just know, God is speaking to you) was telling me that I didn't need to hang onto all that old garbage. Something inside just said, "You've already let go of a huge chunk, just push one little delete button, and another piece will be behind you." So I did it. I panicked for a brief second as the screen flickered back to the blogger homepage, wishing I had that history back, and then the peace returned over me and I physically felt myself let go a little more. It felt so good. I wanted to keep going. I am. This blog is almost 2 years old. It's been great to me, but it has too much history in it, that needs to be let go of. I want to start a new blog, and yeah, I may talk about my frustrations of being a single-divorced mother, and having to deal with DJ. Yes, I may even reminisce over our short-lived marriage once in awhile, but I don't want my old life to be the main focus on my writing anymore. I want peace. Life In Louisiana. It's over. Moving On, I'm working on it, but I can't do it by dwelling on the past. Thank you all for being so faithful and kind to me. I would love to see you in my new place, but there are certain people (ahem, Lousiana people) who aren't part of my new life, so if you're intrested, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll fill ya in. I know it won't all happen in one day, or one month, or even one year, but at some time, I WILL be able to look in on myself, and think, "They say the first cut's always the deepest. But my scar is gone."
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
There was a school shooting in MN today. At a school only about 45 min. from my hometown. At a school I used to travel to throughout junior high and high school for speech and debate meets. One student died, two more were injured. Another case of a young boy fed up with being bullied and made fun of. My heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to all of you who were involved, witnessed, and had family involved. This kind of thing just isn't supposed to happen in my beloved MN. In 2 short years my very own son will be attending a public school. What will I do? How will I ever send him off to school wondering if he'll be coming home at 3:00? God help us.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
I don't know if this entry will make any sense. I just felt the need to start blogging again tonight. That could change by tomorrow. Things are a little rough around here. Beginnning with the cheap, stupid template. And Mikey's blog is ALLLLL messed up. But that's the way things are going to stay for awhile. I'm too busy and too tired, to mess with all of that. I just feel like writing. Call it laziness if you want, it's still not going to get done. The weather is perfect outside. We're finally getting some rain. We've had a drought all summer. Went to the dentist today. Fun stuff. Shopped with my mom, sister and grandma for awhile. Then headed over to my other sister's house to go BACK to Wal-Mart with her. My nephew (her son) Lucas fills my heart everytime I'm around him and it's not so hard to deal with Mikey being gone, but every now and then when I watch Jaime and Lucas playing together, I get that pain deep in my heart again, wishing my little Bean was here for me to chase around and tickle until he giggles helplessly. Siiigh, Bean, Mommie loves you!
Monday, July 07, 2003
Yesterday was my 4 year wedding anniversary. Today I signed my divorce papers. I was going to sign them today because I thought today was actually my anniversary. For some reason I've always kept thinking that the seventh is the date and not the sixth and everytime I remember that it is actually on the sixth and not the seventh, I'm kind of surprised. Well, whatever, it was a big waste of 4 years and I got to walk away with the best part of it. I didn't cry. I was sad. Not because I want him back. But because I was grieving for the man I married. DJ now is not the man I married. He's changed into someone I don't know and don't care to know. I can't seem to put my thoughts into a coherent paragraph right now. My heart is really aching over the fact that DJ's coming to get Beans next Saturday and he'll be away for 3 months =(
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Um...Wow...when did all of this change??....Weird. Anyway, not a very exciting day today, but I thought "Hey I haven't written something boring and trivial in my blog lately, why not tonight?" Soooo, what did I do today? Mmmm...woke up, we slept at my parent's house last night due to the threatening tornadic weather last night, since we don't have a basement and my parent's is nicely finished and comfortable. It's been awhile since I've slept in my childhood bedroom. It was a good nights sleep. Went home in the morning, cleaned my house, took a shower, bathed the Bean, and got ready for work. Dropped Beans off at Grandma's house and went to work. Came home from work and had to go run an errand for a friend. And now I'm sitting at mom and dad's house watching Cocktail with my little sister Meg, and wishing Amy would answer her phone so I can tell her that I have to work tomorrow.....